Problematic Parents

Q: How is a problematic parent defined?

A: Problematic Parents, also called toxic parents, are not parents who get things wrong. Pretty much every parent gets things wrong. A toxic parent is someone who scars and harms their child or children with their words and actions.  Apart from God’s help, way too often there is no resolution to the damage caused.  Consequently, these children feel inadequate, unloved, worthless and grow into adulthood stunted in their emotional well-being.[1]
 

Q: What is a consequence of having a problematic parent?

A: Often there is a sense of worthlessness and shame.

 

Q: What is a consequence of having a problematic parent?

A: Often there is a sense of worthlessness and shame.

 

Q: How can I know if my parents are toxic?

A: There are several common traits that are the result of having toxic parents; these traits may include anger and hatred that have turned inward, extreme impatience and intolerance for the perceived “mistakes” of others and insecurity and feelings of worthlessness and self-blame for everything that has gone wrong in their personal relationships.

 

Q: How can I overcome a sense of devastation in my soul?

A: It begins with the realization of the source of your behaviors and emotions.

 

Q: The Bible says that I am to honor my parents.  What do I do if my parents are toxic?

A: The answer here is basically to maintain a healthy balance that may require a respectful distance.[2]

 

Q: What is a narcissistic parent?

A: The term narcissism refers to a vain preoccupation with self or a preening self-centeredness…The late twentieth century has been called The Age of Narcissism or an intensely individualistic, self-centered, and hedonistic culture…(Lasch, 1978).[3]

 

 

Q: What are some practical steps I can take in dealing with problematic parents?

A: Consider trying some, or all, of the following:

  • Avoid toxic people.
  • Anticipate toxic people. The best way I know to do this is to come up with a list of clues, which you believe might indicate a toxic person. 
  • Set firm boundaries
  • Get over your guilt
  • Do not defend yourself[4]

 

Q: What is the real problem with toxicity?

A: Toxic people prey on others. They dominate and control, disregard your needs and feelings. They focus on themselves and don’t seem interested in you at all. They seem to see other people as tools instead of whole, autonomous beings.[5]


[1] Susan Forward, Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (New York: Bantam, 1989)

[2] Eduard, “How To Deal With Toxic People,” People Skills Decoded. 2010. http://bit.ly/18Lsbf2​. (Accessed January 22, 2015).

[3] C. M. Berry, “Narcissism,” Baker Encyclopedia of Psychology & Counseling, ed. David G. Benner and Peter C. Hill, Baker Reference Library (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 1999), p780.

[4] Eduard, People Skills Decoded, http://bit.ly/18Lsbf2. (Accessed January 22, 2015).

[5] Sarah Newman, Psychcentral, http://bit.ly/18iO841. (Accessed January 22, 2015).

Proverbs 12:18 There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword, But the tongue of the wise promotes health.

 

Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.

 

1 Corinthians 15:33 Do not be deceived: Evil company corrupts good habits.

 

Colossians 3:20-21 Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

 

Ephesians 6:1-4 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother," which is the first commandment with promise: "that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth." And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.

 

2 Corinthians 12:14 For the children ought not to lay up for the parents, but the parents for the children.

 

Proverbs 15:20 A wise son makes a father glad, But a foolish man despises his mother.

 

Proverbs 20:20 Whoever curses his father or his mother, His lamp will be put out in deep darkness.

MentalHelp.net

Marcia Purse, About Health

People Skills Decoded – How To Deal With Toxic People

Psych Central – Toxic People: You Don’t Need Permission To Walk Away

Susan Forward, Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (New York: Bantam, 1989)

 

Karyl McBride, Will I ever be Good Enough?, Healing the daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, (New York: Atria Paperback, 2008)

 

Vance L. Shepperson, “Jacob’s Journey: From Narcissism toward Wholeness.” Journal of Psychology and Theology (1984)